A teenager whose parents were entangled in a lengthy contentious child custody battle once said to me, “I have a mother, and a father, and a judge – and I trust the judge to make better decisions for me than the other two.”
The experience of divorce and the aftermath pose a high-risk situation for children. No matter how parents come to decide on ending their marriage, children, who have no say in that decision, face loss, family disruption, chaos, fear, and uncertainty – all ingredients that interfere with the normal developmental challenges that children face in their day-to-day lives.
Children continue to need the same nurturing from their parents as when their parents were married. Although parents decide they can no longer maintain the relationship that was the core of their marriage, their job as parents doesn’t end with the dissolution of the marriage. So, in the process of orchestrating their divorce, parents must also arrange to continue parenting their children.
This new arrangement, which can take many forms, is often a difficult one to establish and maintain. It’s a different arrangement from that which exists during a marriage. How will children have custodial time and means of communication with each parent so that they can have the kind of relationship with each parent that they need to grow and flourish? What decisions need to be made about the children? How will parental decisions be made - unilaterally by a parent and or jointly?
Children need both their parents. No matter what their relationships were like with each parent prior to divorce, children may relate differently after it. And both parents must find new ways to ensure that their children receive what they need from each parent. Commonly, the term, “co-parenting”, is used to describe the new arrangement. I would suggest “Cooperative parenting” instead, an arrangement that doesn’t necessarily assume a loving connection between the parents, but rather a new respect for the other parent’s importance in their raising the children.
One of the central problems in the process of forming a new family arrangement within the family is that the hurt, anger, and sadness that divorcing parents experience can make co-parenting difficult. How do you cooperate with someone whom you feel has hurt you worse than you ever imagined anyone could? There are so often feelings of betrayal, resentment, and even hatred. How do you cooperate with whom you feel is “the enemy”?
Sometimes, parents are able to amicably work out their conflicts. Sometimes they use professionals, such as lawyers and therapists, to help them mediate agreements about sharing children and planning how to make decisions about them going forward.
However, it is often the case that divorcing parents can’t come to agreements with each other. And when that happens, they tend to turn away from each other and seek lawyers who will “fight” for what a parent unilaterally wants for the children. This move frequently leads to years of frustration, expense, and alienation between the parents and, consequently, between the parents and children.
The courtroom is not a place where thoughtful and constructive decisions about children can be made. Judges, hearing masters, and lawyers typically lack the expertise to foster a productive, empathic process of collaboration between parents who see each other as enemies trying to win the case and hope the judge picks one of them over the other. In reality, they rarely do.
Yet, parents hope and want the judge or court official to make decisions for them. What is wrong with this arrangement is it creates a parenting dynamic that is the opposite of what children need from their parents. Think about it as looking the wrong way. When parents are faced with questions about their children, it is necessary that they turn to each other to brainstorm and explore alternatives. They can find information elsewhere to help them with decisions, but they must bring the information into a respectful discussion between them that will, given time and effort, lead to the best possible answers about raising their children.
Parents who seek decisions from the legal system are looking away from each other, which only intensifies the mistrust and unresolved conflicts between the parents and leads to children feeling more anxious and fearful. This arrangement creates an environment in which the children risk missing just what they need from both parents - a sense of collaboration and cooperation.
As a family therapist for 50 years, I have worked with divorcing/divorced couples who struggled to find constructive ways to parent their children. Some of the couples were so entangled in conflicts that felt impossible to them and they sought the help of the legal system to resolve the conflicts for them, whether they were about the custody schedule, choice of education, or medical decisions.
The courts did not jump to provide solutions to the parents’ conflicts, and in many cases, they referred the family to me to help resolve their conflicts. My primary challenge was to encourage them to turn towards each other rather than towards outside resources, even if they did not like each other. Some got it quickly. For others, it took years. Old patterns of acting unilaterally and/or disregarding each other’s thinking can be hard to give up. Family therapy is my recommendation to divorcing parents in developing a new paradigm for collaborating and working out conflicts with the focus on cultivating their children’s well-being. Then, perhaps, children can believe that their parents and not a judge are in charge of their lives.
For more information and discussion about this challenging process, I recommend two opportunities at Building Bridges that are occurring soon. See these links for more information on a free seminar on May 2, 2024, given by Robin Greenberg, LCSW, LMFT and a three-part workshop beginning May 14, 2024, given by Robin Greenberg LCSW, LMFT and Anthony Moore, MSS/LCW, MDiv. Family therapy for divorced/divorcing families is offered by many of the therapists at Building Bridges. Refer to our web pages for more information and use our contact form to submit requests and questions.