As a therapist and avid reader, I find myself entering the known world when books are grounded in experiences of life that deeply resonate with my own. These may range from relational to ethical, from fanciful to practical. Colum McCann’s “Apeirogon” touches a cord in me that is as multifaceted as his title suggests, a polygon with an infinite number of sides. Based on the real lives of Bassan Aramin, a Palestinian and Rami Elhanan, an Israeli, McCann’s story takes the reader from the violent division of their lives in a world of conflict and revenge to the shared grief and brotherhood that becomes not only possible, but, actual as each opens himself up to the suffering of the other. They talk; they listen; they resist the urge to demonize the other. Instead they both embrace nonviolent resistance as the means to the end of both occupation and alienation. For each man and for multitudes of both Palestinians and Israelis in that war- torn world, this path to healing and change has become their life’s work.
In my own work with families and couples, I regularly refer to the writing of another Israeli, Haim Omer. His principles adhere to the model set by Gandhi and followed by Martin Luther King Jr and other giants of history. His approach to violence in relationships, which often take similar forms of occupation and alienation as McCann describes in “Apeirogon”, is detailed in his book “Nonviolent Resistance”. These principles of listening and holding a firm and clear presence, guide my work with families and couples as I help them explore and see the patterns of actions and reactions in which they are stuck. I then coach my clients to talk and engage with each other using words and responses that reflect a more adaptive pattern. If parents or one member of a couple resist the pull to respond to violence with violence and instead hold a firm position against violence, dangerous behavior, physical and verbal aggression, we are likely to see a diminishing of aggression. Slowly the attacks, provocations and dismissiveness lose power, creating a space for openness, talking, and listening. When my work in the therapy room mirrors my belief system in the world at large, I don’t feel alone; I hear the footsteps of these giants, of Gandhi and King, walking beside me. And maybe my clients, experiencing my support and clarity of purpose, also hear my footsteps beside them as they approach an angry spouse or child and respond to this struggle with a firmness of their conviction and an openness to listen.
If we believe that weaving these principles into our relationships with loved ones is essential to our humanity, as I do, then we are morally compelled to expand this thinking further, into our communities. In “Apeirogon, Colum McCann’s characters resist both the occupation that demonizes and dominates “the other” and the violence that results from this abuse of power. Their belief that listening to each other is the way forward becomes the central part of a unified community protest that holds the position of human rights for both sides. Picture a conversation between parents and a teenager. Maybe this scared teen is breathing more easily as he experiences feeling seen and heard in the clear and openhearted response of his parents. No debate, no defensiveness, no controlling, only listening. Now, jump into our current struggle as a nation and imagine, what seems impossible at moments, and is always possible and indeed essential, a policeman sitting beside a young black man, suffering from years of feeling terrified and unheard, just listening. This is the moment. Let’s find our way there.